My name's Christian, I'm 16 year old and I love coding.

TW: This is bassicaly my own personal diary, so I just pour all my thoughts and emotions here. I might talk about heavy stuff, but it all depends on how I'm feeling...

19-12-24 About two days ago I watched a video titled "social media is ruining your mental health" by Allie Tricaso, and I honestly cried, especially when at the very last part of the video she talked about aging, when she said "visit your grandma more, if you can"... My grandmother just got her leg amputated because of an undiagnosed diabetes... She sounded so tired, and the way that she talked was weird since she lost her teeth plaque at the hospital. It finally hit me, this is her very last years of life, and I'm so dissapointed on myself for not spending enough time with her. I called my aunt because she was with my grandma at the hospital, I talked to her, and when I hanged out the phone, I started crying. That was not her, her voice was completely different, it was much lower and tired. She used to sound so cheery and happy all the time, and seeing her like this... I swear it broke my heart. My friends are asking me when im going to hang out with them, but im not in my city, and im just so fucking tired... The store where i work is opening in two days, and i have to work everyday, dont get me wrong tho, i love working and i need the money to pay my aunt for buying me the pierce the veil concert tickets (yes, i got them!) and i have to buy now my father's ticket. I cant belive im ACTUALLY going to see them live, and i know there's still a year left but im so so so excited. At least i got something to hold onto for a year... /hj. Can i be honest? I have gotten worst, i think im actually going from bad to worst every single day, everyday feels like a chore, i dont enjoy being alive, but im so terrified of dying. I still cant quite accept the fact that i cant follow my actual dreams... Its like im living in a fucking nightmare and i cant wait to just wake up, so i ignore it, i ignore the horrible shit that i have to face, but i know it wont leave me, but still, i just try to corner myself inside my thoughts so i can live in my head. I have an imaginary life, im a different person, i have a cute boyfriend, i live in an apartment alone and i do music, but the story changes depending on my mood. Sometimes im a drug addict, sometimes im a writter, sometimes im a regular person, and sometimes im married with kids. They're all different lives, but mine. I just don't want to be myself, i hate it. I'm tired...